Symptoms – Hope

 

It was a huge relief for Hope when her doctor reassured her that intrusive thoughts can be normal and are treatable.

Written testimony

I felt scared of myself, I felt these intrusive visual thoughts of horrific things that could happen or even that I could do, I could drop my baby, I could drown my baby, I could smash my baby, I could kill my baby. I was so scared of myself, and I knew I needed to get help, because – and I was scared to get help, because I was scared they would take my baby away, because of those horrific thoughts I would have. They would really scare me, I didn’t know what to do with those thoughts, and thank goodness my husband, like we have a very good relationship and strong relationship, and I could tell him, and I was scared he was going to hurt the baby too. And I was scared that if the baby was out of my sight someone would hurt the baby, but I was also scared I could hurt the baby, and so I had a lot of these intrusive thoughts.

Anyway, I knew I needed to get help, I got help by the same woman who, the same doctor who specializes in medication and pregnancy, she also specializes in the postpartum distress period, and she helped right away. She normalized it right away, because I was very scared of the intrusive thoughts, they’re absolutely horrific, and they were absolutely horrific, and she looked at me and she said; it’s very normal. And I just cried, because I felt abnormal, really abnormal, and it is abnormal, it’s maladaptive, those intrusive thoughts can be adaptive mechanisms, you know, but they get out of control or maladaptive and it’s not normal, like you know, I needed to see somebody.

And so, I don’t know if her expertise was exactly how the medication works, but just that it reduces symptoms of depression and anxiety so that like the woman doesn’t kill herself or her baby. I’m sorry to be . . . morbid in that, but it’s a huge risk, you know, I’m sure in pregnancy, untreated depression, there’s a risk of suicide for sure, a higher risk I’m sure, I don’t know. What another thing is, I wish I would’ve know is that when I was having these horrific intrusive thoughts, and the content of the thoughts apparently, my doctor was telling me, she’s like, you can tell me, but you don’t have to. Most women will never ever in their entire life disclose the full content of their intrusive thoughts, that’s how horrific they are, you know, so. But I would’ve, I wish I would’ve know that intrusive thoughts are a thing.

Interviewer: And how, and thinking like I spoke with other women, that’s how they described it, so how do women. For example, on this website, how could they help each other informing about these thoughts? Like do you think they need to know what kind of thoughts there are, or do they need to know like just basically that you can have it and then –?

I think that, yeah, there should be a definition of intrusive thoughts and then I think that there should be an explanation of what they are, which is that all post, this is from my doctor, this is all postpartum women, we’ll have some intrusive thoughts, they are normal. What is not normal is when they’re constant and when they’re all the time, and they disturb you. Intrusive thoughts, you can have intrusive thoughts and you can be like, oh my god, my brain is just having some brain fart, that’s what they’re, some psychologists call them like a brain fart. I’m not even going to bother thinking about it, it’s just a normal blip of the brain. But other people, especially if they’re high anxiety, they’re going to have an intrusive thought and they’re going to, holy shit, like am I going to drop my baby off the balcony, now I’m scared to stand next to the balcony, whereas somebody else would be like; I’m not going to drop my baby of the balcony.

So, it’s your relationship with the thoughts, but at the speed and frequency that they come too. And so, if they are disturbing, if your intrusive thoughts are disturbing you, and for most women they do, you have to go get help. And you are not going to hurt your baby, that’s another message, you are not going to hurt your baby if you have intrusive thoughts. You might feel like you could or think that you would, you will not if you have intrusive thoughts and want to go get help, because it shows you’re scared of yourself.

Women that hurt their babies, I don’t know actually, I’m not an expert in that at all and we didn’t talk about that with my doctor, but one major take home message was is like, you are not a psychopath, you are not going to kill your kid. If you’re here with your intrusive thoughts getting help, you know, whatever is in your thoughts, you are not going to act out on them. Because you’re here getting help, because you know that those thoughts are not healthy. It’s when people think that those intrusive thoughts are healthy, you know, or they act out on them. I mean it’s, I don’t know how to explain it, but don’t be scared if you have intrusive thoughts, go get help, you know. You have to go get help and, because they’re a symptom of distress if they’re maladaptive.


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